It's not easy being the kind of influential world player who commands both a 77% election majority and the respect of America's 'stable genius' President, but Putin makes it look like it is. His secret? Having a way with neigh-sayers...

That’s why we're sending you to Russia with love for some horseback riding with Vladimir Putin.

With Russo-Western relations at their frostiest point since the Cold War, we're giving you the opportunity to take a peek behind the iron curtain, into eyes as deep, cold and unforgiving as a Siberian lake, to meet the man beneath the dad-bod, Mr Putin himself. Wowcher's diplomat without kompromat, you'll be spending the weekend building friendly bonds as part of a romantic extremely butch and cool retreat with Vlad, putting to bed all this simmering tension once and for all.

To settle any nerves (or longstanding political vendettas), the day will begin with a stiff drink of a 25-year-aged Russian speciality - one not manufactured since the Soviet era, and rumoured to be the president's poison of choice. You'll both then straddle the saddles and go on a scenic ride through the wilderness to enjoy some of Mr President's favourite pastimes - among them bare-chested horse riding, bare-chested fishing, bare-chested hunting, and bare-chested arm wrestling, before towelling down to finish the evening off with a soul-baring bare-chested dinner for two at a secluded log cabin. So pack your best camos and oil-based lotion for a burly weekend of backslapping and frolicking with your new favourite world leader - it's time we tore down this wall for good!